Talking with Teens
Based on Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's book How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk, and Marshall B. Rosenberg's Raising Children Compassionatelyby Train To Negotiate · 10 modules · 30 cases · Free
30 sparring drills for parents, teachers and anyone who has to get through to a teenager: the four components of Nonviolent Communication on parent-teen examples, listening before fixing, saying no without dismissing, cooperation without nagging, alternatives to punishment, solving problems together, friends, phones, letting go, and the conversations about risk you dread.
What you'll practice
Each case is a short role-play against an opponent who wants something else. You play it out in your own words, a referee rules on every move, and a coach debriefs you after the sparring match.
Module 1 · The Method in One Page
What is going on in the teenager, and what is going on in you? Answer both with an observation, a feeling, the need behind it and a doable request, and hear the same four things inside a refusal.
Not Going to Grandma's
Sunday lunch at your mother's, who is 81 and asks about your son every week, collides with his friends' lake trip. He announces he is not going. You have a sentence about selfishness ready, and it will not get him there.
The Plates in the Bedroom
Four plates and two mugs have been collecting in your 14-year-old's room since Monday. Yesterday you called her a slob and got a slammed door. You are home from a 10-hour shift and about to try again.
The Tutor Who Was Told Off
You tutor a 15-year-old in math twice a week at $45 an hour. Her grade is still a D, her mother wants a C on the November 14 test, and tonight she opens with 'this is pointless, I'm bad at math.' Defending the sessions will end them.
Module 2 · Hearing Before Fixing
A teenager who is upset needs your presence and a guess at what they feel, not advice, reassurance, questions or a lecture. They will hear you only after they have been heard.
Benched
Your 14-year-old sat on the bench for the whole game Saturday and comes home certain the coach hates him. You know he was late to practice twice last month. Saying so is the fastest way to end the conversation.
Nothing Is Wrong
For eight days your 13-year-old has answered 'nothing' to every question, eats half her dinner and keeps her phone face down. Questions have not worked. Tonight you try without them.
The Boss Gave It Away
Your 17-year-old stepson comes home from the pizza place swearing: the boss gave his Saturday shifts to someone else after he said 'maybe'. You manage thirty people and know exactly what 'maybe' costs. Tonight that knowledge is the enemy.
Module 3 · Accept the Feeling, Hold the Line
Say no while taking the wish seriously: name what they want, give in fantasy what you cannot give in reality, and state the limit once, without a lecture or a cave-in.
The Concert on a Tuesday
Your 13-year-old wants to go to a concert in the city on a Tuesday night, home after midnight, school at eight. The answer is no. Ten reasons will not make it land; one reason and her wish taken seriously might.
The Nose Ring
Last night you shouted 'you want to mutilate yourself?' at your 15-year-old over a nose ring. Tonight she wants an apology or another no, and dares you to pick. The answer is still no until she is eighteen. The words have to be different.
Wine at Sixteen
Your daughter's sixteenth birthday party is in four weeks, 25 guests in the basement, and she wants wine, then beer, then 'friends can bring their own'. The answer is no alcohol. She has to hear it once and still want the party.
Module 4 · Engaging Cooperation
Chores, homework and house rules without the daily war: describe the problem, say what you feel, give information, offer a choice, say it in a word, put it in writing, and make sure a request can take no.
Garbage Night
The trash goes out Tuesday at 7 a.m. and for two weeks you have carried it yourself. Last Monday your son's name came out of your mouth so loud the neighbors heard, and the evening ended in a shouting match. Tonight you want the bag at the curb and no war.
Homework at Nine-Thirty
Chemistry went from a C to a D, an assignment was missed, and the nightly 'start your homework' has become a war. Your son says the more you bug him the more he puts it off. Tonight you have to get the homework done without being the person who makes it not happen.
The Silent Uh-Huh
Your daughter says 'uh-huh' to every request and does none of them. The dog went unwalked three days this week and the dishwasher got unloaded once. You have been reminding louder. Tonight you want to find out what the 'uh-huh' actually means.
Module 5 · Instead of Punishment
After a real transgression: state your feelings and expectations, show how to make amends, offer a choice, take action that keeps the door open, and let the teenager do the emotional homework a punishment would spare them.
The Party She Forgot
Your daughter was an hour and forty minutes late to a friend's birthday because she met a boy on the way and lost track of time, and you spent that hour imagining the worst. Last night you grounded her for a month. This morning you are not sure a month teaches anything.
The Pool After Hours
Two of your players got into the closed community pool last night, knocked over every lounge chair and threw the cushions in the water, wearing team hoodies. The pool manager called you. The league lets you suspend them for two games, and one of them thinks it was a joke.
The Warning Letter
A math warning letter addressed to you spent ten days under your son's bed. You took away soccer for the rest of the term and said 'case closed'. The coach wants an answer by Friday, and you are no longer sure the case was ever closed.
Module 6 · Working It Out Together
Five steps for a recurring conflict: hear their side, state yours, brainstorm together, write every idea down without judging, then choose what you both can live with and how to put it into action.
Beer Cans in the Trash
You came home early to two boys running out the side door, cigarette smoke, six beer cans under the newspapers and the liquor cabinet open. Your thirteen-year-old said it wasn't her fault. Today, calmer, you have to find out what happened and build rules she will keep when you are not home.
Heavy Metal at Eleven
Your son's music rattles the windows most nights until eleven. Last night you pulled the plug on the speaker and got the screaming match you deserved. This morning you want to solve it with him, which means finding out what the music is for.
Ten O'Clock
Your daughter's curfew is ten and she has missed it twice this month. She says she is the only one who has to leave when everyone is having fun. You could hand down a new rule in thirty seconds; you want one that she keeps.
Module 7 · Friends Come First
Friends are the center of a teenager's life right now. Hear the hurt of being frozen out, resist criticizing their friends, and voice a concern about a crowd without attacking the people in it.
The Empty Seat at Lunch
Your fifteen-year-old comes home in tears: her best friend since kindergarten now sits at the popular table, there is a group chat without her, and a message about her clothes went around. Every fix you can think of will make it worse.
The Stepmother in the Car
Every Sunday pickup your fourteen-year-old attacks your new wife before the seat belt clicks. This week it is 'why did you marry her'. The one thing you must not do is defend Joelle.
The Twins
Your thirteen-year-old's new best friends are twins who smoke and hitch rides, and a neighbor saw three boys with their thumbs out on Route 9. Forbidding the friendship will only get you a lie. You have to talk about the hitchhiking without touching the friends.
Module 8 · Screens at the Table
Phone rules a teenager can accept start with your own phone: describe the problem without the word addiction, hear what the device gives them, and agree on phone-free places and times that bind everyone.
Apology by Text
Your sixteen-year-old scraped the family car, texted 'sorry about the car' at 11:40 p.m., left before breakfast, and sits at dinner with his earbuds in. The money is settled. What you want is the conversation he has been avoiding since he got a phone.
Midnight on the Family Computer
At 12:20 a.m. you found your thirteen-year-old chatting with a player from her game who wants to meet her at the mall on Saturday. His profile says 19; he told her he is 15. You have one evening to turn fear into a rule she will actually keep.
The Drawer
Your fifteen-year-old's phone sits beside his plate at every dinner, and twice tonight he did not hear a question. Yours sits beside your plate too, and he has pointed that out. A rule that binds everyone is the only one that will hold.
Module 9 · Letting Go
The push for autonomy is growth, not defiance: let them make the choices that are theirs, respect their struggle, ask fewer questions, say 'you're right' when they are, and keep the connection while they break away.
Maybe Not College
Your 17-year-old senior says she is thinking about skipping college for an electrician apprenticeship. The application deadline is January 15, there is $38,000 in the college fund, and every answer in your head starts with 'don't be ridiculous'.
Nine Years of Piano
Your best student, after nine years of weekly lessons, says he is done. His parents asked you to talk him out of it, the recital is December 6, and he knows exactly why you called him in.
The Outfit
Your 14-year-old models the crop top and low jeans she bought with her birthday money and asks if it is cool. She wants to wear it to the mall on Saturday. The sentence that starts 'you look like' is already in your mouth.
Module 10 · The Conversations You Dread
Alcohol, drugs and other risks: many small talks instead of one big one, a neutral tone and general questions instead of an interrogation, their view acknowledged before your values are stated plainly, and information as protection, not permission.
Found High
Your 13-year-old came home at five with bloodshot eyes and a dopey grin and told you that you were imagining things. It is after dinner now, the effects have worn off, and you have to open the subject without closing her.
The Ride Home
Your 16-year-old wants the OK for a Saturday party where everyone will be drinking. She says she will not, that she would be fine if she did, and that a 17-year-old is driving. The word 'no' would be the easiest thing you say all week.
The Vape in the Jacket
You found a vape in your 15-year-old's jacket while doing the laundry. Every opening in your head is a question with 'don't lie to me' at the end of it.